Married and Don't Feel Like Having Sex?
Sex sells. I'm sure you've heard that before. It's true. People want that passion like from the movies but it's not always like that in real life marriage. Maybe it starts out that way but then you add kids, bills, responsibility, all the other unsexy stuff that goes with a marriage, and the sizzle can fade. Sex is one of the top things that couples argue about. I'm speaking for myself but I can imagine that I'm not alone, but sometimes sex is the last thing on my mind in my busy day. I have had hands on my from kids, expectations of all the things I need to get done for the day, mental fatigue from all the stuff that still needs to be done, and sex is tucked somewhere wayyyyy back in my mind. I would find that even when I was having sex with my husband, I was thinking about things that needed to be done.
But, not my husband. I used to get so annoyed by him asking. I felt so resentful that all he thought about was himself. I used to withhold as a punishment. Why should I have sex when he doesn't appreciate me? Doesn't he understand that I am so worn out? These were the stories I was telling myself. Those stories where not helpful at all and I really had to sit back and ask myself why I was choosing those stories. They made me feel terrible about myself and my husband.
I had so much to learn. I want to share it with you because it has changed my marriage.
A couple big issues that can stand in the way of sex are health issues and our own thoughts about sex (or our husband).
Our thoughts are crazy powerful so we will start there. Thoughts make us feel certain ways and those feelings motivate us to act, react, or avoid. I want to offer some of the thoughts that changed my way of looking at sex.
- Sex is for ME too. (This was huge for me to understand)
- It is a way to strengthen my bond with him.
- It's for me to have fun and focus on each other.
- My husband desires me.
- I'm open to feeling attracted to my husband again.
- There is enough time to connect with my husband.
- I'm open to learning about what my husband likes.
- I trust that I can share what I like.
- I'm open to improving my marriage with sexy time.
For many wives, we have to mentally prepare and there is NOTHING wrong with you because you have to do that. This is actually way more normal that you may think.
Health issues are another major issue when it comes to sex. There are some things that are within our control. If you're not feeling your sexiest physically, it's so worth you taking control of your health and making physical changes. Sometimes, it is out of your control. Your hormones play a huge role in your drive for sex...and life in general. I went through some health issues in 2015. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown to be honest. I went to my primary care and their recommendation was for me to get on a depression medication. I am not saying it is wrong to do that but I am saying to really ask yourself if it is depression. For me, I kept telling them that I just didn't feel right. I felt like I had no drive for life BUT my life wasn't depressing. I had a great life. I just wanted to cry and hulk smash things every single day. My poor husband. He had no idea what to do. I knew sex was important but I went from touch me to DON'T TOUCH ME within minutes.
I sought outside of my primary care and found a naturopath that dealt specifically with hormones. I wanted to find the root issue. She tested my vitamin levels, my hormones, my free T3/T4, and a few other things. Within 2 weeks of balancing my hormones, I was back to myself. I felt soooo much better.
Changing my thoughts and balancing my hormones (which is ongoing in my 40's) has helped me to restore our fun sex life.
Sex, in marriage, is a gift. You deserve that connection with your husband.